am i losing my mind (again)?

hello world!

i've disappeared from the blogging world for quite some time now but i'm back. i won't be posting regularly like before though since i'm extremely busy with school and other stuff but you should be able to hear from me every once in a while. also i apologize for procrastinating on my long overdue haul post. i promise that i'll get that up whenever i can. 

school has just been hitting me like a ton of bricks lately. what with it being a new school and all that with completely new people from different backgrounds and cultures. it's been kinda hard to adapt. especially since i'm sort of an introvert which means that i'm not very sociable therefore leading me to not really having any friends there. of course i have my friends from my last school and of course i have my best friend but the question is, do i really have them as much as before? sure my best friend is still going to be my best friend and she's still going to mean a lot to me but is that going to stay the same for her side? not everyone's like me where they only have a minuscule number of friends. they have other people in their lives who are more socially connected to them than i am. the problem is that even after all this time, I always tend to put someone who treats me as a no. 2 as my no. 1 and it's pretty pathetic really. 

i'm mostly just pissed at how all my friendships are all such failures. i've had hairs that are longer than all of my friendships. it honestly kind of sucks when you used to be so close with someone and how they were so important to you but now you’re no longer as important to them as they are to you and it just sucks because you’re putting in so much effort and all they’re doing is forgetting you even more. this is why i'm learning to rely on my own company rather than the company of others. i shouldn't feel the need to rely on other people to feel "happy". i don't need another person's company. of course it would be nice to have it but it shouldn't be a necessity to me. i'm still learning and it's been really difficult but as they always say, the road to self love is never an easy one. 

i guess lately i'm just sort of passive and quiet about my feelings since i don't really have anyone to talk to. i'm not at a close enough level with my current classmates to actually talk about deep stuff like feelings and i'm no longer close enough with my old friends to talk about them either. they all have their own lives anyway and their own people in their lives that are more important than i am. 

i really don't want this to come off as a stupid immature rant about how i'm just a silly girl that thinks the world should revolve around me but it's how i feel and i feel that i should have the power to express my feelings. i've had a lot bottled up inside of me for quite some time now. school work and tests have been bothering me and i haven't had friends to talk to about them in much detail. i haven't been doing all that well academically either. it just feels like everything's going downhill and i just need to keep a strong face and pretend that everything's okay while trying to fix it as much as possible. i have to fight my battles alone anyway. this is the real world. 

extra icing on the crap cake

i'm so done right now honest to god. i swear..... it just hasn't been my day for the entire span of this week. 

things have been extra shitty lately. i just started taking driving lessons last friday and they went really badly. i got yelled at by my driving instructor a lot to a point where i actually felt like crying and giving up which isn't normal for me because i'm prone to bullshit like that most of the time. maybe it's because i'm more emotional these days? i don't know... i knocked into a cone, bumped into another car, ran over a road divider, and almost rammed into a wall during my lesson. all this under a remarkable speed of 10km/h. someone should give me an award for being the shittiest driver on the road because i really deserve that since i can't even turn the steering wheel properly without being yelled at. i was supposed to go for another class today but thank the heavens, the instructor couldn't make it so my class has been postponed for next wednesday. i'm actually really mad at myself for being such a stupid idiot that's scared of driving. i even got anxiety the other night because of it and it was quite bad. i won't go into detail because i don't want to relive it but yeah... 

summer school just ended today too. so now i have a three week holiday before the term actually starts and i'm going to use that time to catch up with friends since i haven't had any opportunity to really hang out with any of them lately since they all seem to be really busy. either that or they're all ignoring me lmao. i might even be going to hong kong for a vacation trip but it's not confirmed yet. i plan on doing some in season shopping and that place is perfect for that. i'm a little sad that summer school ended because it's really been a great experience and a lot of fun. i can't wait till the term actually starts. the teachers are all really nice and friendly and i've even been corresponding with my design tech teacher because he asked me for food recommendations on places that serve good tandoori chicken because obviously he knows that i know the best places for food *winky face* i gave him a list of places and he'll give me his tandoori chicken report when school reopens. 

also, i'm so frustrated on how american apparel doesn't have shipping to my country. like, what even???????? for the first time in forever, i actually have the money and am willing to spend on $82 worth of american apparel clothes and they don't ship to my country????????????? i'm so done. i might buy a white american apparel crop top from this other website but honestly my mood has been kind of killed right now. i even had free shipping! what a disappointment... i mean look at this cute grid print lolita crop top and micro poly cheerleader wrap skirt i was going to buy! i'm so upset over this, honestly. 

i don't even know why i'm so eager to spend so much money lately. i guess it might be because i've been a sort of shitty mood lately and maybe i just need stuff like new clothes and makeup to make me feel better? my mom plans on giving me some of her old clothes that she doesn't wear any more because she's too old for their designs. i just hope that i'll be able to fit in them that's all since i'm not exactly petite considering my short hight. i have a really busty chest and hips that are too wide which makes it difficult for me to fit into most clothes. also my thighs are the size of the pacific ocean especially when i sit down so leggings make me look very unflattering which is a sad case because leggings are like every girl's wardrobe must have for comfy casual wear.

i'm not like most of my friends who are born with perfect naturally good physiques. unlike ruyi, tracia, joyce, and a whole bunch of others, i actually had to work really really hard to get a good figure. it's hard i'll give you that but i'm working on it. i've been continuing my diet and healthy lifestyle and it seems to be working. according to both my parents, i've actually lost quite a bit of weight and i didn't even have to starve myself this time. i'm still far from my ideal figure but i find that i'm more confident with myself lately? it must be due to the fact that i follow a lot of blogs lately on tumblr where their bloggers often give motivational support to their followers about their physical appearance and stuff like that and i think it must have motivated me too. of course there will still be a once in a while moment where i will not be happy with my body but i'm trying my best to push those thoughts aside and be happy with how i look and how much progress i've made from when i just started.

i also still do my jogging or walks but not as often as before since my trainers broke. i'm saving up for a pair of nike roshe runs and at the moment i'll be wearing one of my white sneakers since i don't have any other proper trainers. i don't want to stop the routine just because i don't have proper trainers and it helps me save faster since my feet get blistered a lot in the sneakers since they're not meant for running in and i just motivate myself by telling myself: the faster you save up, the sooner you no longer have to endure all this pain. i'm not sure which design of the nike roshe run that i want just yet but my main focus is to just save up to RM500/600 for now. i'll decide when i have enough.

right now, this geometric nike roshe run is my favourite 

i still go to the park every weekend with my dad. he goes for a walk while i jog. my mom is even considering on joining us because she thinks it's really healthy. i feel kind of proud for introducing the both of them to this healthier lifestyle. they're even more aware of the food that they're eating because of me. who knew the day would come when i turned into some health freak. 

anyway, that should be enough venting for now. i might do another blog post tomorrow about my updated beauty/fashion wish list （＾＿＾）☆ so till then, i hope your life isn't as bad as this crap cake of mine called life. 

stop the world, i wanna get off

i am pissed off and annoyed. in fact, you can say that the best way to describe my mood at the moment is "3000% done" and i know that it's mathematically impossible to be 3000% done with anything but generally i don't give a damn. that's how done i am right now. 

my best friend just told me about something that happened to her recently which made me feel this angry and i thought that i ought to share my thoughts on the certain subject. 

so here's the deal. tracia goes back home via a transporter with a bunch of other people from our school and other schools too because her parents are probably too busy to actually pick her up. sometimes it's really packed and there isn't enough space for everyone which was the case for this situation. she eventually had to sit on this guy's lap to save space and this barbaric idiot decided to dry hump her. now if you read my blog posts frequently, you're probably rolling your eyes and going oh god not another feminist rant again and yes it is just that so bear with me please this one is important. i don't even know why tracia gets so many feminist problems. it's probably because of her ravishingly good looks. 

so anyway, the guy started dry humping her which made her feel really uncomfortable considering the fact that he's two years younger than her and has a girlfriend. plus, her head kept hitting the roof of the car and he did nothing about it whatsoever. she yelled at him to stop obviously. i mean who wouldn't, right? and here's the sick part. her "friends" a.k.a. her transport buddies just laughed and did nothing about it. in fact one of them even told him to not listen to her and go on. 

at this point, i'm pretty sure tracia felt really angry and violated. i wouldn't blame her. so she punched the guy really hard and finally he stopped. this just pisses me off so much. first of all, what makes you think that you can do that to a girl? do you have no morals at all? are you like some kind of animal that just shags anything that it likes? this is just disgusting. and the fact that nobody did anything about it makes it worse. this isn't a fucking joke. he just sexually assaulted her and you all did nothing about it and just laughed?¿ what kind of people are you? how do you even live with yourselves? if i ever saw anyone getting sexually assaulted — even if i don't know them —i would still at least try to help them. 

honestly if i was in tracia's position, i would have done a lot worse to the guy than just give him a lame punch. i swear i would decapitate his head off and give him hell. this shouldn't happen to anyone. your fucking negligence is the reason why rape culture is a thing. honestly this was how i felt when i heard all this from tracia. 

this just really sickens me. i don't even understand why they're her friends. in fact i don't even understand how they even have friends. at the moment i'm so done with them that i wished i was an octopus just so i could facepalm myself with eight hands all at once and also to slap them all at once with eight hands. 

this is just disgusting. if anybody ever experiences something similar to this, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and tell the guy to stop whatever he's doing. and if he doesn't, then elbow him in his crotch and break his nuts. sexual assault isn't a joke and feminism should never be taken lightly. 

i'm going to sign off now with this picture of how i looked like the entire time typing this. 

none of my business but an entitled opinion

i'm not sure if it's just mood swings that are causing these feelings but i seem to get really aggravated and angry these few days very easily especially over certain issues that have to do with feminism. 

so my best friend recently gave her number to this guy and lately he's been harassing her by sending her texts that make her feel uncomfortable. now the thing is, these texts would have been perfectly fine if the both of them had known each other for some time rather than a short time span of less than a week (approximately two days). 

from what she's been telling me, he's been sending her texts that have the word "baby" in them and other things that aren't exactly the type of things that a person would send to someone just after knowing them for a few days. the messages even make me uncomfortable reading them. i know it's none of my business but i just think that it's absurd. 

it's absurd for him to send such things to a girl whether he likes her or not. they're not even close. they've never spoken in person before. yet he sends her these things that make her feel uncomfortable.  it's just wrong. even if they were close, he still has no right to send her messages where she feels discomfort in reading. in fact, no boy should ever do this to any girl. it's just plain violation of her feelings. 

girls, please don't let idiotic immature boys like that make you feel uncomfortable. stand up for yourself. no one should make you feel violated. especially not a silly immature boy. not anyone at all. if you ever experience something like this you should tell him that you don't feel comfortable with what he's doing and that he needs to respect you and your opinion. if he doesn't listen, then block him. block him, report him, tell someone. do whatever it takes to stand up for your own rights. 

wake up and smell the flowers. there's a whole life ahead of you.

it's a great thought knowing that some of the best days of our lives probably haven't even happened yet. think about it. imagine what's out there. the future i mean. a never-ending void of possibilities. there's still lots of good food to eat, great music to listen to while shaking your tush along to, great writers to discover and good books to read and get lost in over and over again. there are still beautiful places to travel to, breathtaking sights to see, lovely people to meet and wild adventures with friends to go on.

there are so many things that you haven't done yet. you haven't gone cafe hopping with your best friends, you've never been on a vacation trip to another country all on your own, you've never laid down in the middle of a big empty field at night and just watched a sky full of stars with someone that means a lot to you, you've never been to that dream destination that you've always wanted to visit, you've never visited a forest on your own, etc.

i don't really know why i just decided to write a blog post about something so deep. maybe it was because of this question on ask fm asking me whether or not i worry about the future. it made me sit down and think for a while on how to answer it. i knew that of course, just like everyone else, that the idea of the future is something terrifying. but i don't worry about the future that much. (well not as much as i used to that is)

back then in my earlier days though i wouldn't say very far back (the time between the age of 15 to 16), i used to worry a lot about my future but i wasn't worried about things that everyone else was worrying about like whether or not i would get into uni or get a good job with a good salary after i graduate. i was worried about different things like whether or not my life is going to be outstanding and not average just like everybody else's or whether or not i was going to be special when i entered the real world. i want to have a dream job that i enjoy, not some boring average job like being a clerk or a secretary and i was afraid that my dream would backfire in the future. i'm afraid of mediocrity and that i'll just be another brick in the wall.

but anyway, that was before. things are different now. i don't worry about the future anymore. of course it still keeps me pondering on what's going to happen to me next but that's something inevitable. as i mentioned before, the future is undefined and it's a never-ending void of possibilities. i like to think of it as a train track. you don't know where a train track ends unless you follow it for yourself.

so here's the thing. stop worrying about the future and focus more importantly on the now. learn to live in the moment and create wonderful memories with the amazing people that you have around you. take time to smell the flowers and tell the people that mean a lot to you that you love them and that you mean it. go on road trips with friends. stay in cheap motels overnight with them and make the best of it. visit somewhere thats first language isn't english and learn to communicate with the locals there. live. as long as you're on the right path in your life, everything will be alright and the future begins to write itself. every footstep that you take today brings you to where you'll be tomorrow.

To see a world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palms of your hand and eternity in an hour. — William Blake