am i losing my mind (again)?

hello world!

i've disappeared from the blogging world for quite some time now but i'm back. i won't be posting regularly like before though since i'm extremely busy with school and other stuff but you should be able to hear from me every once in a while. also i apologize for procrastinating on my long overdue haul post. i promise that i'll get that up whenever i can. 

school has just been hitting me like a ton of bricks lately. what with it being a new school and all that with completely new people from different backgrounds and cultures. it's been kinda hard to adapt. especially since i'm sort of an introvert which means that i'm not very sociable therefore leading me to not really having any friends there. of course i have my friends from my last school and of course i have my best friend but the question is, do i really have them as much as before? sure my best friend is still going to be my best friend and she's still going to mean a lot to me but is that going to stay the same for her side? not everyone's like me where they only have a minuscule number of friends. they have other people in their lives who are more socially connected to them than i am. the problem is that even after all this time, I always tend to put someone who treats me as a no. 2 as my no. 1 and it's pretty pathetic really. 

i'm mostly just pissed at how all my friendships are all such failures. i've had hairs that are longer than all of my friendships. it honestly kind of sucks when you used to be so close with someone and how they were so important to you but now you’re no longer as important to them as they are to you and it just sucks because you’re putting in so much effort and all they’re doing is forgetting you even more. this is why i'm learning to rely on my own company rather than the company of others. i shouldn't feel the need to rely on other people to feel "happy". i don't need another person's company. of course it would be nice to have it but it shouldn't be a necessity to me. i'm still learning and it's been really difficult but as they always say, the road to self love is never an easy one. 

i guess lately i'm just sort of passive and quiet about my feelings since i don't really have anyone to talk to. i'm not at a close enough level with my current classmates to actually talk about deep stuff like feelings and i'm no longer close enough with my old friends to talk about them either. they all have their own lives anyway and their own people in their lives that are more important than i am. 

i really don't want this to come off as a stupid immature rant about how i'm just a silly girl that thinks the world should revolve around me but it's how i feel and i feel that i should have the power to express my feelings. i've had a lot bottled up inside of me for quite some time now. school work and tests have been bothering me and i haven't had friends to talk to about them in much detail. i haven't been doing all that well academically either. it just feels like everything's going downhill and i just need to keep a strong face and pretend that everything's okay while trying to fix it as much as possible. i have to fight my battles alone anyway. this is the real world. 

sugar, i'm going down swinging

i just came back from my third driving lesson and i feel like death right now. i can tell that i'm getting slightly better but i'm still terrible. at least i'm improving though. so that's something to be happy about until my next lesson. yeah, my life hasn't been good so if i'm going down, i might as well make the best of it. so here are some good things that happened to me to make up for the rest of the crap that has happened too. 

i recently gained like 42 followers overnight on my tumblr all because i was drawing little doodles of some of my followers that looked something like these: 

well those were just my favorite three but there's like 37 more others on my tumblr heheh ^___^ 

also flash news update! tash my lil succulent is dying and i'm so sad. her leaves are dropping and she's wilting. i've moved her to the great outdoors but if she still doesn't survive then i'll have to get myself another plant to replace her since beansie my cactus will be alone. 

yes, i know that you think it's weird how i'm treating my plants like people but i'm sorry they're like children to me. very cute children that don't scream, cry, or annoy the heck out of you till you want to throw them out the window. 

oh! oh! i've also been using a lot of lip balm lately which makes my lips super soft and perfect when applying lipstick. i've been using these cute little cupcake lip balms which look super duper cute and also smell real good. 

i usually apply these during the day and as my base before i put on my lipstick sometimes and at night i just slap on some vaseline before i hit the hay. my lips are now luscious and soft like lindsey wixson's (i hope). 

i've been wanting to make my haul post with all my mom's hand-me-down clothes but i'm so lazy because there's going to be so much editing needed to be done. i promise that i'll try to get it up soon though. till then, let's hope i don't kill a man before my next post. 

extra icing on the crap cake

i'm so done right now honest to god. i swear..... it just hasn't been my day for the entire span of this week. 

things have been extra shitty lately. i just started taking driving lessons last friday and they went really badly. i got yelled at by my driving instructor a lot to a point where i actually felt like crying and giving up which isn't normal for me because i'm prone to bullshit like that most of the time. maybe it's because i'm more emotional these days? i don't know... i knocked into a cone, bumped into another car, ran over a road divider, and almost rammed into a wall during my lesson. all this under a remarkable speed of 10km/h. someone should give me an award for being the shittiest driver on the road because i really deserve that since i can't even turn the steering wheel properly without being yelled at. i was supposed to go for another class today but thank the heavens, the instructor couldn't make it so my class has been postponed for next wednesday. i'm actually really mad at myself for being such a stupid idiot that's scared of driving. i even got anxiety the other night because of it and it was quite bad. i won't go into detail because i don't want to relive it but yeah... 

summer school just ended today too. so now i have a three week holiday before the term actually starts and i'm going to use that time to catch up with friends since i haven't had any opportunity to really hang out with any of them lately since they all seem to be really busy. either that or they're all ignoring me lmao. i might even be going to hong kong for a vacation trip but it's not confirmed yet. i plan on doing some in season shopping and that place is perfect for that. i'm a little sad that summer school ended because it's really been a great experience and a lot of fun. i can't wait till the term actually starts. the teachers are all really nice and friendly and i've even been corresponding with my design tech teacher because he asked me for food recommendations on places that serve good tandoori chicken because obviously he knows that i know the best places for food *winky face* i gave him a list of places and he'll give me his tandoori chicken report when school reopens. 

also, i'm so frustrated on how american apparel doesn't have shipping to my country. like, what even???????? for the first time in forever, i actually have the money and am willing to spend on $82 worth of american apparel clothes and they don't ship to my country????????????? i'm so done. i might buy a white american apparel crop top from this other website but honestly my mood has been kind of killed right now. i even had free shipping! what a disappointment... i mean look at this cute grid print lolita crop top and micro poly cheerleader wrap skirt i was going to buy! i'm so upset over this, honestly. 

i don't even know why i'm so eager to spend so much money lately. i guess it might be because i've been a sort of shitty mood lately and maybe i just need stuff like new clothes and makeup to make me feel better? my mom plans on giving me some of her old clothes that she doesn't wear any more because she's too old for their designs. i just hope that i'll be able to fit in them that's all since i'm not exactly petite considering my short hight. i have a really busty chest and hips that are too wide which makes it difficult for me to fit into most clothes. also my thighs are the size of the pacific ocean especially when i sit down so leggings make me look very unflattering which is a sad case because leggings are like every girl's wardrobe must have for comfy casual wear.

i'm not like most of my friends who are born with perfect naturally good physiques. unlike ruyi, tracia, joyce, and a whole bunch of others, i actually had to work really really hard to get a good figure. it's hard i'll give you that but i'm working on it. i've been continuing my diet and healthy lifestyle and it seems to be working. according to both my parents, i've actually lost quite a bit of weight and i didn't even have to starve myself this time. i'm still far from my ideal figure but i find that i'm more confident with myself lately? it must be due to the fact that i follow a lot of blogs lately on tumblr where their bloggers often give motivational support to their followers about their physical appearance and stuff like that and i think it must have motivated me too. of course there will still be a once in a while moment where i will not be happy with my body but i'm trying my best to push those thoughts aside and be happy with how i look and how much progress i've made from when i just started.

i also still do my jogging or walks but not as often as before since my trainers broke. i'm saving up for a pair of nike roshe runs and at the moment i'll be wearing one of my white sneakers since i don't have any other proper trainers. i don't want to stop the routine just because i don't have proper trainers and it helps me save faster since my feet get blistered a lot in the sneakers since they're not meant for running in and i just motivate myself by telling myself: the faster you save up, the sooner you no longer have to endure all this pain. i'm not sure which design of the nike roshe run that i want just yet but my main focus is to just save up to RM500/600 for now. i'll decide when i have enough.

right now, this geometric nike roshe run is my favourite 

i still go to the park every weekend with my dad. he goes for a walk while i jog. my mom is even considering on joining us because she thinks it's really healthy. i feel kind of proud for introducing the both of them to this healthier lifestyle. they're even more aware of the food that they're eating because of me. who knew the day would come when i turned into some health freak. 

anyway, that should be enough venting for now. i might do another blog post tomorrow about my updated beauty/fashion wish list （＾＿＾）☆ so till then, i hope your life isn't as bad as this crap cake of mine called life. 

succulent ❁

today is a holiday so that's why i decided to write this to update you on what's been going on in the world of miki. 

so about a week ago, i finally transferred out of my old school to my current one now. i'm doing my ib diploma there which is sort of like a pre-u program but technically i'm still in high school and considered as a high school student. i'm doing high level english language and literature, design technology, and visual arts. as for my standard level subjects, i'm choosing to do business management, math studies, and mandarin. i'm in the summer school program at the moment and i've only met my theory of knowledge and design tech teacher who used to be a professional chef in the u.k. for twelve years and was also a food nutritionist. he owned his own restaurant and published his own cookbook. he was also on a program for the bbc once. he's really cute. not in the looks type of way! i mean his actions and the way he acts is really cute. i enjoy his class because it was really interactive and fun. he was supposed to teach my class how to make bread today but there wasn't any school today so that didn't happen. it's sort of a first time that i'm disappointed at how there isn't any school so you can get the idea of how much i enjoy my new school. 

i spent my day today by waking up early and going to have breakfast at this place called tommy la baker which has fantastic bread. i had a croissant and an apricot and pistachio sourdough bun with a nice cup of hot chocolate. 

after that, i went plant shopping with my dad because i wanted to get some cute little pot plants for my room. i roughly wanted a little cactus or succulent but all the choices were so pretty that i had trouble choosing only just two. 

in the end, i got a cute little cacti and a succulent that was in a pretty pink pot. i plan on naming them but i still haven't decided on what to name them. so far i'm thinking of naming the succulent tash and the cacti beansie. （＾＿＾）☆

also i went shopping and bought three new pieces of clothing from m.n.g. which were a white blouse, black leather skirt, and a ivory knitted pullover sweater. i've been wanting a nice leather skirt for ages and now i've finally got one. plus, the white blouse goes great with the skirt. the sweater was just really comfy and i figured that i could always use an extra sweater for school. there's no such thing as too many sweaters in my book *wink wink*

so that's all I did for today. i'd say that it was pretty productive. as for what good food i've been having lately, i just recently went to this place called breadfruits that serves 100% organic food last saturday. they also sell organic bread and fruits (therefore the name breadfruits). i had their salmon breakfast platter which had smoked salmon, scrambled eggs, sourdough bread, and salad with avocados and cherry tomatoes. the meal came with black coffee and their juice of the day which was pineapple and orange juice. the whole meal was great. the eggs were perfectly cooked and so was the salmon. the vegetables were nice and fresh. the only thing that could use some improvement was the sourdough bread but other than that, everything was great and on point. even the juice and the coffee. 

that's all for now i guess. at least there's school tomorrow which i'm quite looking forward to. oh, and i'll be taking my first driving lesson this friday! soon i'll be able to drive and pull over in front of my old school and quote mean girls by saying to tracia and joyce "GET IN LOSERS WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!" it's one of the main reasons why i want to be able to drive as soon as possible. hahaha. 

anyhow,if you read all this, i hope you had a great day （❁＾＿＾）☆

love love love

most of my blog posts lately have been about me ranting about certain things so i'm trying to make this one full of positive vibes for a change（＾_＾）

things have been pretty good for me lately. on monday i finally received my dress that i ordered online from romwe  (which is my new favourite online store) and it looked as great as it did on the website. the quality is fantastic and it comes with its own zip lock bag for if you're travelling and you can exchange or refund it if the product has any issues eg. size being too small/large or too long/short. it's just this absolutely adorable light powder blue dress with eye prints and a really cute little turtleneck. if you've read one of my previous posts, i mentioned that this dress was in my fashion bucketlist and i'm so happy to finally cross it out. i wore it yesterday when i was out with my parents and styled it with my oversized denim jacket which was tied around my waist and my white chunky high heeled sneakers that i got from japan during my holiday there. i used my studded faux leather backpack but you can't really see it so i'll just show it some other time. 

extremely adorable dress from romwe *squeelsssss*

they're kinda like creepers but at the same time not?????
i don'treally know what they're called. 

i thought that i looked hella cute and i even did a little make up but just a simple cat eye look. nothing much. 

cat eye alexa chung style ( ^ _ ^ )

i don't like the lines to be too thick because it makes my eyes look smaller and they're already as small as it is on their own. do excuse my eyebags. insomniac problems one-o-one. 

so while i was out with my parents, i had lunch at this place called hakata ippudo which is some japanese restaurant that's pretty famous for their pork ramen. i ordered the miso pork ramen and oh my god it was so good! definitely food for the soul and perfect for a cold rainy day 

（＾ν＾）

their salmon avocado bacon rolls were good too and not to mention, good presentation as well as taste.

and after that i had green tea ice cream which was wonderful. 

i've done a little redecorating for my room too and i really like how it looks. it's not much. just one corner of my room but i think it looks great. i'll planning on doing more in the future. 

the black picture is a birthday present from tracia that she drew for me. do ignore the weird patch of white light it's just my camera's stupid flash. 

this week has been very good to me and a lot has happened. i also visited an art gallery the day before and saw many beautiful paintings done by talented locals. this one was my favorite because of the beautiful meaning behind it. 

the rest of the paintings are on my instagram account (link at the bottom of the page). okay, i'm gonna sign off now because i wouldn't wanna bore you with my life so till then xx

we need feminism!

so yesterday i was pretty ticked off about something. i was wearing this really cool dress that i had gotten from h&m. the pastel ice creams on it were ultra cute and i thought that i could wear it with my black tights since it was too short to just wear it as it is and i didn't feel like wearing shorts on that day. 

the only problem with the dress was that the holes for my arms were pretty big. since i was too lazy to put on a camisole, i decided to just not care and wear the outfit without a camisole. so technically you could see my bra but only if i lifted my arms up. other than that, it wasn't even noticeable at all.  

i got called out by my mum for being inappropriate and said that my dressing was explicit. the only reason why she even saw my bra was because she was sitting next to me while we were having lunch and obviously i had to lift up my arms in order to eat otherwise I'd just look plain ridiculous. 

she started nagging me about how some men who might be extra horny would have raped me if they saw me dressing that way (ie. if they saw my lacey bra). i found this just stupid. let me just say that the reason why i didn't want to put on my camisole wasn't because i wanted to show off some skin to get boys's attention. it was because i have sensitive skin that gets easily prone to heat rashes when it's hot. it was a very hot day yesterday and my heat rashes were acting up so to not burden myself. i thought, hey! maybe i don't have to wear my camisole since it'll just make my heat rashes worse and besides my bra isn't that obvious anyway! but nope! i still got nagged at by my parents. my own parents for god's sake! 

here's what i think. i do not have to dress a certain way that discomforts me just because some men can't control themselves and act impulsively. stop blaming the victim. stop blaming women. it's not our problem that you can't control that bulging erection of yours. it disgusts me how boys can run around shirtless all day and it's no big deal but when a girl does it it suddenly makes her a slut? grow up people! boobs are just fat on the chest. i see tons of men with man boobs going around shirtless and nobody says a thing. so why is it suddenly explicit when it comes to women? 

and don't even get me started on why rape is okay because the guy "couldn't help it" because "the girl was asking for it by wearing something so skin revealing". please take those two excuses, wrap them up in a bundle, and then shove them up your own ass. it's not our problem if you men can't control your sexual fantasies. stop blaming others for your own faults. we see you men running around shirtless all day but we don't rape you because at least we have the decency to have some self control. honestly if rape is okay because a guy can't control his sexual urges then murder should be okay too because i'm having my time of the month. 

i'm just really worked up about how we don't have enough feminism in our lives. all i did was not wear a camisole and it earned me two long lectures. at least i put on a bra and it's not like i would lift my arms up 24/7 like hey check it out! you can see my bra and while you're at it maybe you could smell my pits too! 

women should be able to dress however they want without having the need to worry about whatever anyone thinks of the way they look. they need to be thought of as human beings rather than just sexual pleasures for men. we need equality. that is why we need feminism. 

kindness

apparently a tiny act of kindness can go a long way. it's amazing to see that you're able to put a smile on someone's face just by being kind to them. 

so today in school, during recess, my best friend, tracia, went to buy food. she ordered her usual dish which is minced lamb in a hot dog bun. since the school is too cheap to let us use plates, they serve our food in a piece of brown paper which we have to carry our steaming hot food in back to our table. now note that the workers at the cafeteria always prepare our food fresh from the grill so it's piping hot. tracia accidentally loosened her grip and dropped her food onto the ground before reaching the table because it was too hot and she got really upset about it. 

seeing as she was incredibly upset that her food and the money that she spent on it had gone to waste, i did something that i knew would probably lift her spirits. i went over to the lunch lady and ordered the exact same dish that she dropped and paid for it then gave it to her. her happiness came to me as a shock because all i did was just a small act of kindness and she treated it as if it was such a big deal. 

i always did this even back in elementary school. one time when my best friend back in year three dropped her bowl of noodles i went ahead and bought her another one. it was just something normal for me to do. but according to tracia no one had ever done that for her before and according to my other friend, joyce, it was the first time she saw someone do something like that. 

so what i'm trying to say here is spread a little kindness as often as possible. even if it's just something small like complimenting someone or buying food for them after they've dropped theirs, the tiniest acts of kindness can make someone's day. even though it probably doesn't mean much to you, it'll probably mean the world to them. trust me. just try telling the next three people you see that they have a nice smile and marvel at their response.