i've disappeared from the blogging world for quite some time now but i'm back. i won't be posting regularly like before though since i'm extremely busy with school and other stuff but you should be able to hear from me every once in a while. also i apologize for procrastinating on my long overdue haul post. i promise that i'll get that up whenever i can.
school has just been hitting me like a ton of bricks lately. what with it being a new school and all that with completely new people from different backgrounds and cultures. it's been kinda hard to adapt. especially since i'm sort of an introvert which means that i'm not very sociable therefore leading me to not really having any friends there. of course i have my friends from my last school and of course i have my best friend but the question is, do i really have them as much as before? sure my best friend is still going to be my best friend and she's still going to mean a lot to me but is that going to stay the same for her side? not everyone's like me where they only have a minuscule number of friends. they have other people in their lives who are more socially connected to them than i am. the problem is that even after all this time, I always tend to put someone who treats me as a no. 2 as my no. 1 and it's pretty pathetic really.
i'm mostly just pissed at how all my friendships are all such failures. i've had hairs that are longer than all of my friendships. it honestly kind of sucks when you used to be so close with someone and how they were so important to you but now you’re no longer as important to them as they are to you and it just sucks because you’re putting in so much effort and all they’re doing is forgetting you even more. this is why i'm learning to rely on my own company rather than the company of others. i shouldn't feel the need to rely on other people to feel "happy". i don't need another person's company. of course it would be nice to have it but it shouldn't be a necessity to me. i'm still learning and it's been really difficult but as they always say, the road to self love is never an easy one.
i guess lately i'm just sort of passive and quiet about my feelings since i don't really have anyone to talk to. i'm not at a close enough level with my current classmates to actually talk about deep stuff like feelings and i'm no longer close enough with my old friends to talk about them either. they all have their own lives anyway and their own people in their lives that are more important than i am.
i really don't want this to come off as a stupid immature rant about how i'm just a silly girl that thinks the world should revolve around me but it's how i feel and i feel that i should have the power to express my feelings. i've had a lot bottled up inside of me for quite some time now. school work and tests have been bothering me and i haven't had friends to talk to about them in much detail. i haven't been doing all that well academically either. it just feels like everything's going downhill and i just need to keep a strong face and pretend that everything's okay while trying to fix it as much as possible. i have to fight my battles alone anyway. this is the real world.
